I have a gray t-shirt that says COLLEGE in black letters. It doesn’t say which college I went to, but I tell people it’s the shirt you get when you graduate from college. I find it ironic–ironic like a college kid would! Howza!

I had a dream last night where I was in the woods and attacked by a bobcat. I was able to fight it off by hitting it with a lawn chair and then I sought the help of a crusted old woodsman to heal my wounds.

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Do you think animals understand that we are more advanced than them? Dogs clearly do, they admire our ability to produce delicious foods and own comfortable couches. Cats, I think, know it but they choose to pretend otherwise. “So you can open doors? Big deal. I don’t need to. I just make you open them for me.”

I wish trench coats were back in style. They look nice. The problem is we have far less 1930’s style private detectives around than we used to, so that dried up a lot of the demand for trench coats. Nowadays, if you see someone walking around in a trench coat, you just assume they’re naked under there. There’s no other practical use for a trench coat.

Just now I saw a fly sitting on a fly swatter. That guy is cocky. But he’s also very smart because that is the safest possible place for a fly to be. I got nothing to hit him with.

I wish I subscribed to a newspaper.

I have an excellent system for when I go to casinos. I take my money and bet at several different tables. Then I lose my money and go home angry.

It’s a reliable system too. It’s never failed me and allowed me win any money.